Fenland Musings - July 2023: Burnout: An invitation to "sit at the feet of your own life".
Welcome to the July edition of Fenland Musings
If you’d prefer, you can listen to an audio version of this newsletter below:
“Everything that happens to you is your teacher. The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your own life and be taught by it.”
Hello, friends!
Well, I would like to begin this edition of Fenland Musings by saying thank you to all of you who have been reading this newsletter over the past year, and a very warm welcome to the many new folks who have joined in the past weeks. Fenland Musings is growing, and I’m ever grateful for your support and companionship.
Lighthouses are built to weather storms, and the one pictured here, at Beachy Head, must have weathered its fair share over the years, standing as it does beneath the vertical white cliffs of East Sussex. But they do occasionally need some TLC too, and one such occasion is described by Tom Nancollas in the introduction to his wonderful book Seashaken Houses:
“A small ship leaves the harbour, carrying the tower’s architect and a gang of carpenters. This lighthouse - the first rock lighthouse in the world - has been reported by sailors and its keepers as defective. It wobbles in heavy weather, leans slightly out of true and needs strentghening if it is to survive winter gales”.
A few years back now, I, myself, needed some strengthening, and I was without a doubt wobbling in heavy weather.
Since then, I have spoken to several people who describe themselves as having experienced burnout. And a common thread ran through these conversations. That all of us experienced something foundation rattling, the single cause of which was not clearly definable, and so the only way to describe what happened was to name it “burnout”. There was not one consistent definition of what it was exactly.
My own experience of burnout, was in effect the origin story for The Will Johnson Journey, though I have come to learn that there are origin stories within origin stories. So perhaps it makes more sense to think of this as a chapter.
And looking back I am seeing this chapter through a larger lens. Sure, it was without a doubt both a physically and mentally draining time. An episode where the fire in my mind and body exhausted itself. Maybe a case of:
No light, no lighthouse.
And that’s the sad thing. Because I truly believe that we are all a lighthouse for someone or something. We are designed to illuminate. I’ve said it before, but I wonder if that is why I now keep a lighted candle on my desk when I am at home. A small act of quiet soul activism and a reminder to never let the lights go out again.
My reflections have taken me deeper into this ‘thing’ called burnout and I have reached a simple conclusion.
That burnout is sickness of the soul.
Or, a sickness of the deep self if you’d prefer.
I say this because whilst I was physically tired, I knew it was more than that.
I had placed myself into a situation and environment that made me, and my deep self smaller, not larger. And that, I think, was the biggest problem I faced. The deep self doesn’t like being boxed in.
And that is because it is built for expression. For creativity. To grow larger.
It’s for this reason, I think, that mythology has taken such a strong hold on me. Myth makes things larger. As Martin Shaw would say, it “amplifies”.
But when I was burning out the opposite was true. I was shrinking. On a deep level, I was growing smaller. My world was growing smaller with it.
But in time I noticed that something else was growing. A ‘still small voice’ was calling out.
And, for me, it was just as Polly Berends described, it was an invitation to “sit at the feet of my own life”.
And so, here’s the really big thing I have learned:
“When things get really rough, there’s an acceleration of calling.”
—Micheal Meade
I think Meade is right. And Joseph Cambell said it another way:
“Where you stumble, there lies your treasure”.
Now, I am not going to sit here and tell you that burnout is a gift. That’s certainly not how I felt during that period. But there is some truth to that statement. In rites of passage or initiations, the anthropologists will tell us that without an ordeal there can be no transformation. No threshold experience. In other words:
No crisis. No calling.
So crises are turning points, then, but they are often lonely places, too. And burnout is no exception. It’s a deep dive into what the storytellers would call ‘The Underworld’. And, for me, the real loneliness came from that disconnect from the deepest part of myself, my true self, or my soul. The part of me I’d forgotten or exiled. I was measuring my self-worth against things external to me. A sure sign of imminent trouble.
And I realise now that it has taken years of inner work, shadow work, soul work and courage work to finally begin to learn, and most importantly to believe, what Rumi says in just a handful of words:
“Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you.”
Today, I feel those words in every muscle of my body. Knowing that the inner life I lead is larger than the outside world will ever be, is, I think the root of courage and the doorway to ongoing renewal. And it was my ticket out of burnout.
So, I suppose it is true what they say, every ending is a beginning.
And on the other side of burnout, there’s the potential to find a calling.
I’ll conclude this reflection on burnout, with this poem from Victoria Erickson:
You've landed now, with legs full of earth and hair full of rain that cleansed and renewed and gave you yourself again. You're now building your world with wiser hands. Worship the storm that dropped you here. It gave you a new language.
1. Listening - Long Drove, Simon Scott
Well, it is called “Fenland Musings” after all, and I am so happy to share this album named after a local patch of Fenland. And here is Simon Scott describing the scene:
“I regularly visit the remote and nameless broken bridge,” Simon explains, “that is situated over a long drainage ditch that connects Holme Fen and New Decoy nature reserves, simply to listen. Each season I’d return to observe the sonorities of wildlife merge and coalesce with the hum of the long telephone wires that stretch across the wide and flat Fens.”
You can Listen to Long Drove here and I think it captures why I have quietly fallen in love with the mystery of Fenland.
2. Inspired by - Haviz
I regularly read the poetry of Rumi, but it’s another Sufi poet, Haviz that is increasingly catching my attention. Goethe argues that:
“Hafiz has no peer”
And I am not about to disagree with Goethe!
This BBC article is a lovely introduction to Haviz.
Read > The mystical poet who can help you lead a better life
3. Reflecting: On Relationships
“Is there a way to work on relational fitness?”
This is such a powerful question posed in this lovely interview with Carol and Jay Casbon and Shelly Francis of Fortitude about their new book “Side by Side”.
Relationships have surfaced as an important topic for me over recent months, especially in my roles as a husband and father, and in my desire to bring groups of men together to explore our masculinity and what that even means in today’s world.
4. Writing: Poetry
I haven’t been writing much poetry lately, but I found this poem I wrote last year. I don’t remember writing it, or whether I have shared it before, but it felt relevant to this month’s theme. I think it’s about an encounter with my deep self, and how in those moments of past struggle, even a glimpse of it was enough to keep me going.
Spell Breaker There is something about The long shadows At this time of year, Cast against the naked ground. The way the light bends Around the sodden turf, Whispering its doubts To the upturned flint. It is a long forgotten truth, The youthful endeavour, That the harder you try The tighter the fingers grip. The light extinghuished now, And smokey wisps hang In the saltmarsh sky. Awaiting. Awakening. In that moment, As was so often the way, She walked in. Unware and yet always in tune To what was happening. A knowing glance, A kind smile and the spell, Briefly broken, once more.
Courageous Work - Rupture, Renewal & Relationships
10-12th November, Earl Soham, Suffolk - A weekend Gathering for Men.
There are still a few days left to take advantage of the early booking discount for this event, which Giles and I are running in November. All details can be found in last month’s newsletter here.
So, if you, your husband, brother, son, or friend are interested in joining us please get in touch via the email button below.
Well, that’s about it! Next month Fenland Musings will be coming to you from Asia, so there might be a decidedly different flavour to things in the August edition!
I hope to see you back here on Thursday 31st August, at 12 pm (UK Time!)
In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this poem from Haviz, which I picked up from Episode 50 of the Living Myth Podcast. It left me speechless when I first heard it and I hope you love it too.
Go well, folks.
Will
Despite all your doubts and insecurities, You are like a great film or a play That everyone needs to see. That's why the old teachers say, Behold yourself. The mountains have hints of a beauty that's actually hidden in you. The enchanting complexities of the coral reefs Are pale lights compared to the golden candle in your own heart. What moves in any ocean also moves through each of us. A thousand kinds of music play every hour, If we become awake enough To orchestrate our inner resonance. So listen let the next ticket you buy, Be a centre row seat that places you In front of your own soul.
How do you begin to grow your courage?
If you would like to book a free “Courage Coaching” session, you can use the link below, I would love to see you there!
If you enjoyed reading this newsletter and would like to help me reach a wider audience, please consider sharing Fenland Musings with your friends, family and colleagues, it is the best way to connect with new folks. Just click the button below. And thank you if you do!
Oof ...
That made 'contact'
Powerful writing Will. 🙏🏽
Thanks as always for your generous and thoughtfully curated reflections and offerings, Will. I particularly love your poem, it is beautifully evocative. And that Polly B. Berends quote... just wow! Reminds me of Richard Rohr's "God comes to you, disguised as your own life"